How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
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dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
We like the way Dwight thinks
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
put ‘er there pardner!
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
i actually laughed 😩
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”