People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
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Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Simple enough.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”