I know a horrible idea when I see it.
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If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading