Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
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Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“and how does that make you feel?”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab