Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”