If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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i don鈥檛 own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Government: You owe us money. It鈥檚 called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov鈥檛: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov鈥檛: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov鈥檛: You go to prison
I鈥檝e always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I鈥檓 still here posting my wordle
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Don鈥檛 know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she鈥檚 so deep into the story I don鈥檛 think she knows either.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I鈥檓. A butcher.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I didn鈥檛 set my clocks back. I鈥檓 writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I鈥檓 completely lost.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord鈥檚 morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!