Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
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Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’