I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
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Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.