After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
You Might Also Like
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing