How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
You Might Also Like
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit