One cake enters. No cake leaves.
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My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
My typo game is string.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*