Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
You Might Also Like
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
i actually laughed 😩
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.