[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
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I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Ape together strong
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
where the womens at?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
s
oc
i
a
l
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business