me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.