*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
584.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.