Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he鈥檚 a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
me: it鈥檚 our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Took my son to his friend鈥檚 birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Therapist: And what do we do when we鈥檙e feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it鈥檚 about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 馃槨
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard鈥檚 spotlight will not be robbed.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Big brouhaha at the farmer鈥檚 market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he鈥檚 starting to rethink his decisions
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They鈥檙e formulating a plan for it, which they鈥檙e calling the w眉rst/k盲se scenario
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?