her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich