My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
You Might Also Like
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder