Lucky old June.
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Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.