My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
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Added some new forms of payment to this store…
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard