ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK