Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
You Might Also Like
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.