You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
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You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.