My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
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“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?