I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.