<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
love it when they get my name right
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts