i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.