People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
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My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Print is alive and well!!!
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I had to Stop for this
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
sir, my pâté if you please