*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
ugh not again
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.