After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them