My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
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If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Squirrels before girls.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”