It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
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People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”