[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.