Sunday
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You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*