Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
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[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.