[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
mood
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Snapes on a plane.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
🍛
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
If only