Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
You Might Also Like
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
lmao
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
when you are just born a rebel
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
The absolute effort that went into this omg