How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
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if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos