I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
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I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.