Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
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Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
2023 was just a warmup