“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved