Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt