Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
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Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!