[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
You Might Also Like
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.