[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.