I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
The happy life.. 😊
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.