I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
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Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Oh we’ve met.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..