Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
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Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
PLOT TWIST:
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about