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When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Ironic
I had to Stop for this
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Brilliant!
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?