Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
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Hank is one in a melon.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Shower sex be like:
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.